Though You Sow With Tears

I remember worrying about our ability to bond. Your start in life was so drastically different than all I had ever known, all I had ever experienced. Your sisters were perfectly healthy. In the peace and comfort of our home, they each received all of me. All of my life-giving nutrition. All of my snuggles. All of my touches. All of my love.

They received it all whenever they wanted, They received it all whenever they needed. There were no limitations. There were no restrictions. They had full access. But with your extended NICU stay, I was unable to hold you whenever I wanted. I was unable to hold you whenever you wanted. There were so many limitations. There was so much restriction. And a part of me worried. If we missed out on countless snuggles, If we missed out on endless sleepfests, If we missed out on precious nursing, would we be able to connect, would we be able to bond like I had with your sisters? Could a beautiful bond still grow in this less-than-ideal scenario? Could a precious connection still form in such unexpected circumstances? And 8 months later, I look to my side and smile. All those worries have faded away. You tenderly hold my hand and peacefully drift off to sleep. Yes, even in the chaos, even in the raging storm, even in the less-than-ideal, even in the unexpected circumstances, beauty can grow, beauty can blossom. Hang tight, mama. So much is happening below the surface that you can’t see. Although it's hard--trust and wait for the harvest. With time you’ll come to see that beautiful things can grow out of this difficult season. In fact, beautiful things are growing right now! God is working all things together for good. He is compassionately catching each tear you cry. He is sitting with you in your fear, worry, and uncertainty. And He is longing for the days ahead when He will bless you by restoring all you have lost. He smiles knowing one day soon, you'll be singing songs of joy and thanking Him for the abundant blessings you've been given. Those days are coming, friend, I promise. “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” --Psalms 126:5-6 NIV

Jessika Sanders, Writer ©

This piece was first published in October 2020 on my social media page.